Rethinking Praise for PDAers

Pervasive or Persistent Drive for Autonomy/Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is characterized by a heightened sensitivity to perceived demands. This can make traditional praise feel like a performance evaluation or statement of future expectations, triggering the sympathetic nervous system—the body’s “fight-or-flight” response. For PDAers, this can mean that well-meaning, behavior-specific praise may unintentionally cause anxiety and even avoidance. Shifting to language rooted in appreciation and admiration can help caregivers, educators, and clinicians create an evironment that signals safety.

In this post, we’ll explore why appreciation and admiration can be powerful alternatives to traditional praise and how you can effectively use these approaches to support PDAers.

Why Praise Can Be Stressful for PDAers

Behavior-specific praise (e.g., “Great job cleaning up your toys!”) is often used in ABA to reinforce positive behaviors. However, for PDAers, traditional praise can feel loaded with judgment and hidden demands. Even statements meant to reinforce desired behavior may activate the sympathetic nervous system due to:

1. Implied Expectation: Praise often contains an implicit suggestion to keep up a specific behavior, which can feel restrictive or demanding to a PDAer.

2. Loss of Autonomy: Praise can imply external control over personal achievements, prompting an avoidant response as the PDAer works to protect their sense of autonomy.

3. Judgment or Evaluation: Many PDAers are acutely sensitive to the judgment embedded in praise, which can create a sense of pressure or heightened vulnerability, further activating the sympathetic nervous system.

The Benefits of Appreciation and Admiration

By focusing on appreciation and admiration rather than evaluative praise, we can acknowledge a PDAer’s actions, efforts, or presence without implying expectations or future demands. This approach is more grounded in acceptance, respect, and connection, reducing the risk of triggering a fight-or-flight response.

• Appreciation: Appreciation highlights the value of a PDAer’s contributions or qualities without judgment. It centers on gratitude rather than evaluation, making it feel non-intrusive.

• Admiration: Admiration focuses on specific qualities or skills that you genuinely find impressive. When admiration is expressed as a reflection of your genuine feelings, it can affirm and strengthen the PDAer’s sense of self.

Why This Matters

Switching from traditional praise to appreciation and admiration can help to create an environment that feels safe and accepting for PDAers. This approach not only respects their autonomy but also minimizes the likelihood of activating the sympathetic nervous system so that the PDAer can spend more time regulated and ready to learn and play.

How to Use Appreciation and Admiration

Here are some effective ways to use appreciation and admiration to create a supportive environment for PDAers without activating their sympathetic nervous system:

1. Shift from Outcome-Focused to Effort-Focused Language

Instead of: "Great job finishing your homework!"

Try Appreciating the Effort: “I really appreciate the thought you put into your work. I can tell you cared about doing it well.”

This approach focuses on the process, not just the end result, allowing the PDAer to feel recognized without pressure to meet a specific outcome.

2. Value Presence and Contribution without Evaluation

Instead of: "You’re so responsible for helping set the table."

Try Valuing Presence: “Thank you for being here with me and helping out. It made things feel easier and more fun.”

This example avoids evaluative language and instead acknowledges the PDAer’s presence and contribution as inherently valuable.

3. Acknowledge Individuality and Uniqueness

Instead of: "That was a very smart answer!"

Try Admiring Their Perspective: “I love hearing your thoughts on things. You have such a unique way of looking at the world, and it makes me think differently too.”

By focusing on their unique perspective, you validate their individuality, which affirms their autonomy.

4. Appreciate Emotional Intelligence and Empathy

Instead of: "I’m proud of you for being so kind to others."

Try Admiring Their Empathy: “The way you understand and care about others is really special. It’s something I admire about you.”

Here, you avoid hierarchical statements (i.e. I’m proud of you) and instead reflect genuine admiration for qualities that naturally appeal to their sense of self.

5. Recognize Effort in Challenging Situations

Instead of: "Good job staying calm at the doctor’s!"

Try Validating Resilience: “I saw how you managed things even when it felt tough. That took a lot of strength, and I really admire/appreciate that.”

This approach honors their resilience without implying a need to meet anyone’s expectations or future behaviors.

Keep in Mind

• Be Specific, Not Evaluative: Focus on specific actions, qualities, or moments that you value. This shows genuine connection and reduces pressure to “perform.”

• Express Curiosity and Interest: Show curiosity about their evolving perspectives or ideas. “I’m curious about how you thought of that!” This builds trust and respects autonomy.

• Center Empathy: Use empathetic statements that show understanding of their efforts. “It seemed like a big task, and I appreciate that you tried.”

• Focus on Connection: Appreciation and admiration help build connection without strings attached. Rather than praising to shape behavior, approach them with the intent of connecting.